University of Fantasy Ball

We are 3 weeks into the season, and bum classes are being formed. Only 3 bums have won each of their first 3 matchups, Ross’s Bums, Bums of New York, Walson’s Bums … And on the opposite side of the spectrum, a whopping 5 bums have loss all their matchups, Guns & Bums, Wemby’s, Bums, Chet’s Bums, SteveBlakeBums, Da Bums. We have a bum cap in March, lets see which teams are fighting for the honor of not being classified as a bum:

1. Ross Is undefeated and a powerhouse, sike!
   • Recently, a situation unfolded where a player seemed to start poorly against Wembys, prompting some to suggest tanking. Da Docta commented, ‘My season was over on Tuesday of week 1! Yeah, I totally drafted wrong.
   • Guns & Buns appears to be months away from competitive play as their ‘ammunition’ is securely locked away. The next three weeks pit them against formidable opponents: Speedsters, Gamma Squad, and Girth. Surviving these matches unscathed might prompt a rethink, but for now, they’re leaning on struggling teams in the battle for the ultimate underperformer spot.
   • The squad is sending bum vibes, with Scottie Barnes being their top-ranked player at 13, averaging 2.0 blocks and 9.8 rebounds. Is he on track for first-team all-defensive? Evan Mobley has been a pleasant surprise, scoring 16 points and grabbing 10 rebounds with 2 blocks on good percentages, potentially ascending from ‘bum’ status. Then there’s the Austin Reaves situation, where he was benched for Cam Reddish. ‘We ain’t going to talk about that,’ they said.”
2. Ben is he a bum or not?
   • It seems like this team had a strong start, securing significant victories against Gamma Squad and Legendary, and is currently in a competitive battle against Speedsters in Week 3. Well he answered the question, Bum! as he brought home a 4-5 loss to the many fans in attendance
   • The upcoming three weeks mark a break with bye weeks against Wembys, Da Doctas, and Mortor. It’s reminiscent of LeBron James’ playoff runs in the stacked Eastern Conference
   • The GM seems to be in contention for GM of the year, especially due to a trade that’s looking like a steal. SGA is excelling, currently ranked #2. The absence of Harden and Harris hasn’t affected their relevance, maintaining an average rank of 23. Nurkic’s move to the Suns has revived his value, returning a rank of 78. Turner holds steady at rank 35, Lauri is maintaining a strong rank at 12, and even players like D-Lo and Lowry, often deemed ‘bums,’ are performing decently within the top 100. It’s impressive to have so many players listed in the top 100 rankings.
3. Himmy Butlers is an overrated bum ?
   • Securing victories against struggling teams, but add a little Gamma radiation and sh** gets real!
   • Looking ahead, the matchups present a mix of challenges, facing off against Da Docta, Girth, and ending Week 6 against the Hart of New York.
   • Things have changed a lot since the preseason declaration of this team’s potential victory. Jokic is displaying his usual brilliance, though perhaps still working his way into form with slightly lower free throw percentages and assist numbers at the start. Domin-Ay-Ton is living up to expectations, ranked 18th. Jimmy Butler’s emotional state seems to be a concern. If the team’s success hinges on Butler’s emotional fluctuations, it might affect their playoff chances. On a positive note, Jalen Johnson’s emergence seems to promise a bright future in fantasy performance. Meanwhile, Ben’s inconsistent participation represents the epitome of a player causing chaos, embodying what it means to be unreliable or a ‘bum’.
4. Walson isssssssssssssssssssssssss a bum; he and Ross both lack creativity in naming their team. Its’s a scam!” He is the #1 Bum, deservingly so gets another bullet
   • This team has had a strong start, defeating Guns & Bums, Wemby’s Bums, and confidently triumphing over the overly assured SteveBlakeBums, who fancies himself a notch above the rest of the bums
   • Their upcoming schedule is a mixed bag, facing In It, Speedsters, and the ever-awaited Docta in week 6.
   • It’s evident that Walson and Ross are running a scam. Don Mitchell and Paul George are starting strong, ranking at 5 and 11. Paul George’s impressive stats include a 96% free throw rate on 6 attempts, 2.4 steals, and a 47% field goal percentage. Don’s stats reveal a 48% field goal rate, an 89% free throw success on 6 attempts, along with 29.5 points, 5 rebounds, 5 assists, and 2.3 steals! These performances might raise eyebrows, but they should comfortably sit within the top 10-20 range and appear as steals.
   • Fox’s injury has affected his total rank, but average rank is at 16, shooting an 81% free throw rate, a pleasant surprise. So yes, this bum is quite distinct from the others. Having three players in the top 25 deserves respect. However, Dort, ranked 32, maintains a 52% field goal rate, an 83% free throw rate, along with 2.6 threes, 1.3 steals, and 1.3 blocks. If he keeps this up, he might just clinch the ‘BUM OF THE YEAR’ title! As for Randle, what a bum, sitting at a rank of 251. I’ll spare the readers from listing his stats.
5. Girth Bum is an upper class bum
   • The strength of schedule has been more challenging compared to the bums currently ranked 1-4, having whipped Spike Lee’s bums and freezing out the bum Sub-0. However, 31Savage gave the rookie a lesson in a nail bitter.
   • The next three games promise excitement, with matchups against the New York bum, the Bum Butlers, and Ross’s bums. Girth secures wins in these upcoming three matches, ensuring smooth sailing until weeks 9 and 10.
   • RJ was expected to be a bum, but perhaps he’s turning a corner? Curry and KD are reminiscent of their Golden State days. Portzigis and Holiday are performing well. Vuc is consistent with his performance. In true Celtics fashion, the rest of the team seems lackluster… well, maybe not Rozier, but he’s currently grappling with his customary annual groin injury.
6. The Bum of New York
   • New York bums are different. They dominated MotorBums, Chet’s Bums, and Legendary Bum, all of which seem to exhibit clear signs of lottery-bound teams.
   • The buns from New York won’t be able to evade the spotlight for long, given the impending matches against Spike’s Bums, Sub-Bums, and Da Bums.
   • This team’s resemblance to the Dallas Mavericks is striking, with Luka seemingly carrying a group of underperformers. It’s amusing—Dejounte and Gordon Hayward seem to be channeling their inner Kyrie Irving. However, OG is experiencing a struggle at the free-throw line and dropping to 1.3 steals, signaling a potential regression.These bums manage to win two of the next three matchups in weeks 4-6 and were giving away autograph Spike Lee Tims.
7. Sub-Bum is a swindler
   • The initial schedule has been relatively weak, encountering only one contender and losing that match in true bum fashion!
   • The upcoming three weeks pose a real challenge, facing off against Gamma Ray Bums, Legendary Bums, and 31 Savage Bums .
   • Tyrese Maxey stands at a remarkable 6th rank, boasting a 48% field goal rate, an outstanding 93% free-throw success, 7.5 assists, and a mere 1.0 turnovers. This performance is at an All-NBA level, and there’s a strong possibility he could maintain a top 20 ranking. Could he be the steal of the draft? On the other hand, Tatum and Dame are underperforming, ranked at 17 and 33 respectively at the start. Both seem averse to blocking—Tatum is struggling with free throws while Dame is having difficulty with field goals. It might signal a regression, but perhaps they’ll return to their top value. The rest of the roster comprises players with potential but presently underperforming, making for a season filled with uncertainty!
8. In It 2 Bum It
   • They secured wins against SteveBlakeBums and Guns & Bums, but facing Da Bums, seems like a wake-up call, which resulted in In It 2 Bum It’s first matchup loss
   • Looking ahead, they’re set to face Walson’s Bums, Chet’s Bums, and Wemby’s Bums. Despite grappling with injuries, losing more than one matchup seems unlikely.
   • Both bums, Cam Thomas and CJ McCollum, had initially contributed to In It 2 Win with rankings of 20 and 40, respectively. However, both are now dealing with long-term injuries, calling for Brooks to step up! Running through the roster, FVV, Schroder, Brooks, LBJ, Duren, Sabonis, Cam Thomas, CJ—there are a whopping 8 players in the top 70! This team seems to be ascending from the middle class, particularly if CJ or Cam miss minimal time.”

And all you other bums, ya get half a bar…..

Bums of the Week

Week 1 – Spike’s Bums & Guns & Bums
Week 2 – Guns & Bums, Bum Diss
Week 3 – Da Bums